HP and What Happens When You Get Really Drunk
by Esscence of Pie
Summary: This is a complete joke - me and my friend Holly wrote it. My first ever HP FF. Review if you wish, but please don't take it seriously.
1. And so, it starts

_This is a JOKE! It's not supposed to be particularly good. Half the credit goes to my friend Holly – we wrote it together, and wanted to have a shared account here, but she decided she didn't want to after all, so I'm posting it on behalf of both of us._

"Hello Harry, I am Mr. Cheese," _Said the funny bit of yellow dancing in the sky_ "I am Mr. cheese, I am Mr. Cheese" _Harry stretched out to grab him but he seemed to be getting further and further away._

"No! Come back, Mr. Cheese!" Harry yelled, and suddenly awoke. Ron was shining a yellow light in his eyes.

"Harry. Why were you calling me Mr. Cheese?" he asked, seeming somewhat puzzled.

"Oh…no reason." Harry rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Why did you wake me up?"

"I think you should see this." Ron crossed to the window of the dorm and looked out, a disbelieving look playing across his face.

"What? I can't be bothered to get up." Harry yawned and stretched, kicking off the bedclothes and beginning to dress.

"Malfoy. Dancing." With those two words, Harry jumped up and rushed over to the window. And, it was indeed true – Malfoy was dancing in the snow.

"What did you do to him?" Harry asked incredulously, staring down at his enemy as he pirouetted into a snowman and fell over with a loud thud and cry of "Ow!"

"Nothing. I reckon all those years of being a git finally got to him." Ron said, running back to his own trunk and pulling out a shirt and trousers. Harry stared at him in confusion.

"Don't you want to watch?"

"Yes. But I think we can get a better view from down there. Hurry up!"

"Ok I'm coming!" Yelled Harry, opening the window. He gracefully stepped onto the ledge, and dived.

"Somewhere, all alone in the moonlight!" Sang Malfoy, sliding over to Harry as he hit the ground with a thump.

"Mr.….Mr. Cheese?" Harry said to the dancing shape above him "Is that you?"

"Don't be ridiculous Potter. How could I be a cheese? I'm a dancing bean!" Malfoy yelped excitedly, before starting to sing 'Night Fever' and conga-ing in a circle around Harry.

"Look out below!" yelled someone far above, and suddenly Ron was flying through the air, and landed next to Harry with an "Oof!"

"What's Malfoy doing?" Ron asked, trying to catch his breath.

"Dancing bean." Explained Harry, getting up and looking up towards the castle. "Um...Ron...I really think you should get up."

"Why? It's fun down here. It's all...snowy." Ron said, playfully picking up some snow and dropping it on his own head.

"Ron...I really think you should get up..."

"But why?" moaned Ron. "I like it down here, Harry, please don't make me get up, please, pleeeaase...."

"Your loss!" said Harry, looking up at the Slytherin tower dubiously. Suddenly there was a yell, and Ron paled, as he looked up and realised exactly what was going on.

"Look out belooow!" yelled Crabbe and Goyle as one, as they threw themselves out of the window.

"Oh...crap." Ron muttered, as the two rather large boys crash-landed on top of Ron.

"Oww...."

"Don't say I didn't warn you" Harry sighed. "I'll get them off you" He flicked his wand, and a large pile of snow fell on top of them with a flump. They resembled three mutated snowmen.

"Harry!" Ron yelled, muffled in snow

"Sorry…" He dragged Ron out of the snow

"I feel like dancing… Hey Malfoy!" He glided over and started waltzing with him. Malfoy was extremely pleased that he had finally found a dancing partner, and went a bit over the top with the twirling and the whirling.

Suddenly, Hermione rushed out from the castle. She was being followed closely by a mob of Slytherin girls.

"But...Hermione!" one shrieked. "We love you! We _want_ you! We _need _you! Come back to us!"

Hermione reached Harry and looked around wildly. "Quickly! Hide me!" she shrieked, curling up in ball on the floor. Harry promptly sat on her.

"Where is she?" cried a love-crazed Slytherin girl as she rushed towards Harry. "Where is our love?"

"Um...can't tell you that." Said Harry. Somewhere below him, Hermione started humming. Harry kicked her, and she shut up.

"Was your bottom just humming?" asked the girl, in a very confused way.

"No." said Harry, shaking his head. "No...it was just getting into the spirit of things."

"Yes." Came a muffled voice.

"Did your bottom just..._speak_?" asked the girl, even more confused.

"No. It's a figment of your imagination." Said Harry's bottom. Harry farted rather loudly, and Hermione shut up.

"Oh, ok then." Said the girl. She whispered something to the girls, who turned their attention on Ron

"Ron!" one shrieked. "We love you! We _want_ you! We _need _you! Come to us!"

Ron looked at Harry pleadingly.

"I can't hide both of you!"

Ron dived into the snow headfirst so only his feet were sticking out.

"Oh." Said Malfoy disappointed. He cast around for someone else to dance with. "Professor Snape!"

Snape had come striding across the grounds, surprisingly wearing nothing but a pink bikini.

"Professor...what are you wearing? I like it! It brings out the colour in your ears." Malfoy said excitedly.

"Why thank you, Malfoy. Me and the headmaster got...erm...a tad drunk, and dared eachother to wear...certain things." Snape said, bowing graciously and accepting Malfoy's invitation to slow-dance.

"Well, I'd say you got off worst." Said Harry, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure." Said Snape over Malfoy's shoulder. "You haven't seen what Dumbledore's wearing."

Right on cue, came Dumbledore strolling in. He was wearing…. Professor McGonagall. She was draped over his shoulder, then wrapped round his waist, he had a trench coat on over the top.

"I told you so." Said Snape, smirking, while all the students stood and gawped (except for Malfoy, who kept slow-dancing)

Dumbledore ambled up towards Harry, grinning like a loon.

"Why, hello, Potter. Like my new get-up?"

"Urm...yes...it's very....-" Harry was cut short by a burst of laughter from his bottom.

"Did your bottom just laugh Harry? We better get you up to the hospital wing. Walking or Dancing?"

"Er…I'll just walk thanks"

"Dancing it is!" Cried Dumbledore, clapping his hands. He seized Harry's hand, and led him through the doors humming Blue Danube waltz

"Help me!" Harry mouthed at Hermione.

But Hermione was pre-occupied with her own problems. As soon as Harry had been lifted from her head, the entire female population of the Slytherin house had rugby-tackled her.

In the snowdrift, Ron's feet twitched slightly. The sound of Dumbledore's humming resounded through the school. Snape's bikini bottoms slipped slightly, but he yanked them up quickly.

And Crabbe and Goyle simultaneously rose to their feet and started doing a dance routine to Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty".


	2. Trapped

Chapter Two 

A whisper was going round the Gryffindor common room. After the excitement of the morning, everybody was now lazing around, draped over chairs, sofas, tables and chandeliers.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the portrait hole, and Professor McGonagall climbed in. "A message here for Harry Potter." She said.

Harry got up from where he was helping pluck Ron's nostril hair, and walked over, still holding the tweezers. "What does it say?" he asked.

"It says – Harry Potter, there's a surprise waiting for you in the Great Hall. Love Malfie. Kiss, kiss, kiss." Harry blushed and grabbed the piece of parchment from her hands, to the laughter of everyone else.

Harry, Hermione and Ron hurried down the corridors to the Great Hall. When they got there, the door was opened by two house elves with tinsel on their heads. Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged a worried glance, then entered.

All the tables had been removed from the hall, including the staff table. Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and a few others were standing in a line on the stage. Wearing red mini-dresses, with white fur trimmings. And Santa Claus hats.

"Oh...my...God." whispered Hermione, as they launched into a raunchy dance routine, and Malfoy stepped up to the mic and started to sing.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas  
There's just one thing I need  
I don't care about presents  
Underneath the Christmas tree  
I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
Harry, all I want for Christmas is you."

Ron stared at them in awe. He slowly walked up to the stage. "I want to dance…" He muttered.

"Ron, no!" yelled Harry. But Ron was already walking up the steps to the stage.

At that moment, the door opened and a headless chicken ran in, closely followed by Hagrid.

"Harry!" he yelled "Dun listen teh them!" Hagrid was dressed in a yellow mini-dress and fishnet tights. "Listen to me instead!" Hagrid launched into a round of 'Lady Marmalade'

"Hey sisteh, go sisteh, soul sisteh, flow sisteh  
Hey sisteh, go sisteh, soul sisteh, flow sisteh

He meh Marmalade down in old Moolin Rooge  
Struttin' her stuff 'n the stree'  
said "Hello, hey Joe, you wan' giv it eh go?" oh"

"Oh Hagrid, not you too!" Squeaked Hermione.

"Too right me too!" said Hagrid, grabbing the headless chicken and using it as a microphone, as he kept singing.

Harry looked from Ron, who was currently wearing someone else's Santa Claus hat and attempting to squeeze into a mini-dress someone had offered him, to Hagrid, who was still singing heartily, leaving a trail of feathers as he danced around the hall.

Suddenly the doors once again burst open, and the teachers entered, in a whirl of bikinis and batman outfits.

McGonagall, who had somehow disentangled herself from Dumbledore, stepped into the middle of the room. Some Slytherin students who were hanging from strings from the ceiling turned on some flashlights, focusing them on her.

"I'm comin' up so you better you better get this party started..." she sang. Harry and Hermione looked at eachother and groaned, as the rest of the teachers spilled into the hall and started to rave. They followed McGonagall in an unorderly line towards the stage, and then up onto it.

Professor Flitwick took the mic, and started singing 'It's a small small world' as everyone danced.

Hermione and Harry ran towards the door, but to their dismay Hagrid was blocking it. He was carrying a pitchfork, no longer singing. He looked rather angry. They whirled around to see the other teachers acting in the strange way too.

"Kill, kill, kill..." They chanted, forming a tight circle around Harry and Hermione.

"Help!" Hermione squealed.

"Quick! Use your magic talking bottom!" exclaimed Ron, as he rushed through the crowd and stood behind Harry.

"My magic bottom..." Harry growled through gritted teeth, "Wasn't real."

"Oh." Ron paled. "Well – you'll be...erm, pleased to know that no _way _have I sold the story about your talking bottom to the papers...and _Tonight with Magical Trevor_...no way."

"Ron..." Harry moaned. "I'm going to kill you."

"Yes..." said Professor Flitwick, looking surprisingly scary for a two foot tall guy with a beard. "We're all going to kill you."

"Ok, I know what to do." Said Harry "Stand back!" He gritted his teeth, bent over and pointed his buttocks at one side of the circle. "Here goes!" Everybody on that side of the circle were blasted apart as Harry let out an Enormous Fart "Quick lets go!"

"Phew, Harry, what did you have to eat today?" Inquired Ron with a grin on his face. They ran through the gap in the circle onto the stage.

"Not so fast!" Professor Dumbledore came striding out to meet them, his wand pointing right at them.

"Oh no…" Moaned Hermione "Petrificus Totalus!" But the spell merely bounced off him.

"Transportus!" Yelled Dumbledore, which immediately transported them up to his office


	3. I'm a Little Teapot

Harry, Ron and Hermione landed in a heap in Dumbledore's office. Thankfully, Dumbledore forgot to transport himself, and so started to walk up the stairs, giving them some time to form an escape plan.

"Pssst! Harry!" there came a yell from outside Dumbledore's window. Harry looked down to see Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle standing and waving at him. "Jump onto this cloak! It'll break your fall!"

Harry glanced at Hermione, then shrugged and jumped out of the window. He landed on Crabbe's cloak, which, when stretched out, created a giant trampoline. Giggling manically, Harry rolled off onto the floor. Ron followed, also laughing like a loon, then bounced off, straight into Harry. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle looked at eachother then burst out laughing.

When Hermione looked out the window, all five of them were rolling around on the floor. The cloak had been thrown aside, so she was trapped in Dumbledore's office with no way out.

Dumbledore burst in, and saw Hermione on her own. "Where did they go?" He demanded

"I don't know" Mumbled Hermione, trembling.

"Very well. You shall die now" He pointed his wand at her heart, and muttered and incantation. She fell to the floor, still as a still thing.

Harry meanwhile, had overcome his laughing fit, and was calling Hermione. "Hermione! Hermione! Herm-" He fell silent as he saw Dumbledore holding her limp body. He chucked it out of the window.

"I am coming for you!" Said Dumbledore.

"Oh-oh..." said Ron, as Hermione's body fell on top of him. There were a few moments of silence, before Ron said, in a muffled voice "She tastes like strawberries."

A few minutes later, the five of them were running through the Forbidden Forest. A mans torso appeared through the trees. It was Bane.

"Hi!!" he panted, "Want a ride on my back???"

"Er sure…" said Harry "Ron get on" Ron clambered on, but there was no space for Malfoy Crabbe and Goyle. Tears welled in their eyes

"You're going to leave us Harry?" Sobbed Malfoy

"I guess you should try and climb on" Groaned Harry. The was a mix of tangled bodies, then Harry was at the front, sitting on Malfoy's lap, Ron behind sitting on Goyle, and Crabbe clinging on to the tail. "Lets go" Said Harry.

They galloped off deeper into the forest, until Bane suddenly stopped in front of a large cave. "We've been invited to a little party..."

Suddenly, Aragog appeared, clutching two cans of beer, belching, and sporting a green party hat (with tinsel). "W...welcome..." he slurred, beckoning to them to come in.

"OK..." said Harry, as they all climbed off Bane and entered.

Inside, there was a giant jelly covered in cream and cherries. People were randomly eating it as they talked, and some even diving into it swallowing and swimming.

"Wow!" Said Ron, pulling on a party hat. "Come on Harry, I fancy some Jelly!"

Umbridge was sitting in the corner, laughing at Hermione pulling silly faces, Cornelius fudge was… "Wait a minute! Hermione!" Harry exclaimed "How?"

Hermione suddenly turned around, and they all saw that she had no eyes – just a white blank space. All the other party guests turned around, and they were the same. Nearly Headless Nick floated over.

"Welcome..." he said darkly, smiling evilly at Harry. "To our little death party. Now it's time for yours!"

"Not again" Said Harry, exasperatedly. "Lets go. Ron? Ron??" He whirled around. Ron was giggling along with Aragog, a beer clutched in his hand.

"Hey Harry! I'm a little teapot!" Ron shouted, tipsily

"Short and stout!" Joined in Aragog

Harry turned to Malfoy and his cronies.

"Surely you can get us out of this?" Cried Malfoy

"There must be a way." Said Harry determinedly "And don't call me Shirley."

"I didn't." said Malfoy, mystified. "But actually, my middle name is Sandra. Which is just like Shirley, if you think about it."

Harry stared at Malfoy, then rolled his eyes. "Come on, we've got to get out of here. Ron! Are you coming?" Ron looked up, tears brimming in his eyes.

"But Harreykins – I don't _want_ to leave. Please don't let him take me, Goggy!" he squealed, grabbing Aragog.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that in public?" Harry growled through gritted teeth. "We're outta here." He walked over to Ron, grabbed his sleeve, then dragged him (kicking and screaming) out of the hollow.

They ran through the forest, only stopping when Draco got tangled in some bushes and started crying.

"Ow!" he bawled, "I scraped my knee!"

"Honestly" Harry rolled his eyes. Crabbe, Goyle, carry him.

"Yes _Harreykins._" They sniggered, lifting him up.

Harry blushed and looked through the trees. A glinting light lay ahead of him. He started to follow it. "Come on!" He urged, with a sudden feeling that the light would go away if he didn't follow it.

Finally they reached the light, and saw a load of fairies dancing around to Busted, who were playing live on a stage made of tree stumps. Harry, Draco and Ron looked at eachother and immediately began air guitar rituals.

When they were finally finished, they each took a small clipping of Charlie's eyebrows, and went on their way.


End file.
